


Elric Escorts

by thatcrazyfivefoottwochick



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College, F/M, Fluff, Hints of pedophilia, Modern AU, don't worry nothing happens, edward doesn't swear in front of women and children because I said so, edward elric: pedophile/pervert kicker, nina is alive, pervert teachers?, the elric bros are the golden boys all puns intended, the elric bros drink their respect and protect women juice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:13:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27707456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatcrazyfivefoottwochick/pseuds/thatcrazyfivefoottwochick
Summary: Edward Elric and perverts don't get along. After an incident with a close friend makes him even more aware of this fact, he gets fed up and decides to make the world a safer place himself. Or at least make his college safer by offering walks across campus.No, this is not the kind of fic that the title would suggest.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Edward Elric/Winry Rockbell, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric
Comments: 31
Kudos: 80





	1. Things that happen when you try to teach your 13-year-old pseudo-sister mixed martial arts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been cooking this fic idea for a while now, but since I was working on another long range fic, I wanted to do one at a time.
> 
> To heck with that.

Now that they were in college, the Elrics didn't have as many opportunities to see their old friends or get off campus, so getting out, even just to spend time with Nina walking Alexander, was refreshing. At thirteen, she really had grown up a lot since the last time Ed had seen her. 

_Heck, before we know it, she's going to have boys all over her case. Poor saps._ Ed chuckled. A man sitting on his front porch looked at Nina with a little too much interest. Ed glared at him murderously. _Or now. And worse._

"Hey Nina, I think it's about time we start teaching you mixed martial arts. Al and I were even younger than you when we started. You do carry pepper spray when you're out walking Alexander on your own, right?"

"Edward, I'm thirteen. I don't even own pepper spray."

"Well, that's going to change by the end of the day."

" _And_ so is the subject, brother. If you recall, we were talking about where to take her out for dinner, not self defense." Al raised an eyebrow, oblivious to the porch pervert.

"Alphonse, we're college students. We love you Nina, but our broke... _selves_ are going to McDonald's."

"Hey, nuggets are never a loss in my book," Nina grinned. "You'll just have to order for me while I keep Alexander outside."

"While you and _Al_ keep Alexander outside," Ed corrected. "You're not staying out by yourself." 

"Come on, Edward, I'm a big girl. I can stay outside with a dog for five minutes. Fifteen at most."

"Absolutely not. What kind of surrogate brothers would we be if we left you out on your own?"

"For once, Nina, Ed's right," Al agreed. "It's not a big deal for me to stay outside and keep you company." 

"Oh fine, you little old ladies. Who needs overprotective parents when you've got older brothers who aren't even related to you?" Nina rolled her eyes with a slight grin.

"Hey, watch it! I don't want to hear any short jokes when I'm almost 5'7 and you're barely over five feet! And I'm trying to be a gentleman! Are you going to let me or not?"

"A gentleman, huh?"

"Yeah! A gentleman!"

"Tell that to the guy in the picture you showed me earlier with a black eye. And it wasn't a short joke, you just have an inferiority complex."

Ed closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. "I'm going to let that one slide because I'm a nice brother. And the idiot deserved more than I gave him for using...racial slurs."

"Brother _is_ pretty protective of the international students from Ishval," Al conceded.

"Alright, alright, just give me my chicken nuggets and some fries. And find something Alexander can eat, too."

"I don't think they sell anything that's not questionable for Alexander, but we'll find something for him when we get you two back home." Al said.

"Oh, right."

* * *

"Al, you didn't see how that geezer was looking at her!"

"But she's thirteen!"

"Yeah, and clearly that mattered to him!"

"Then we definitely need to equip her for when she's out. And warn her not to take that route through the neighborhood as discreetly as possible." Al turned to Ed and squinted. "And I do mean _discreetly_ , Ed."

"I can be discreet!"

"Yeah! Just like the time you tried to replace Dr. Mustang's safety glasses with pink slatted ones and had the bag with the receipt for it with your stuff!" 

"Okay, fine, that was a C-tier prank with D-tier execution, but I'm not going to let Nina know about that. The perv, I mean. She deserves to have more innocence than we did at her age."

"Yeah…I mean, we didn't have any creeps over our shoulders, but we did have the accident with your leg and mom dying young." A flash of realization came over Alphonse's face. "Oh, wow, she wasn't that much older than us when she passed away, was she?" 

"Yeah, she was what? Twenty-five? I mean, I'm going to be twenty-two soon, and you're twenty, so yeah, it's pretty weird."

"Oh please, your birthday's not even until next year, but I think twenty-five sounds pretty close. Wow! That's only four years off of your age…"

"Yeah, anyway, about Nina. Well, not really about Nina, but kind of."

"How is it kind of?" 

"Shut up, I'm getting to it," Ed huffed. "If even Nina's getting ogled—and she's freaking thirteen—then how many girls on our own campus run into the same crap?" 

"Probably a lot..." Al frowned.

"I mean, they've gotta walk around at night for clubs and stuff, right? Some of them try to walk back from parties on their own while they're drunk, right? And on a college campus, there'll be a bunch of guys—well, people, but let's face it, mostly guys—who'd love to take advantage of that. People should be able to take a walk whenever they want to, no matter what time it is or what their gender is."

"I am kind of glad I'm a fairly tall male. It's awful that we can only do so much about that kind of thing," Al sighed.

"But that's just it, Al. We can. What if we started, like, a service thing where people can just call us up if they need to be escorted across campus. Any time, any reason—at least, as long as we're available. Although for the most part, I figure it'll probably be girls walking around campus at night. Of course, you don't have to do it with me if you don't want to. I kind of just went with saying "we" for some reason and—"

"Brother, chill out. Of course I'll do it with you. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually get a girlfriend that way if you can manage to control your temper for five minutes," Al smirked.

"Oh shut up. I could get a girlfriend if I wanted to. I'm in peak physical condition. I get good grades. I've been working on groundbreaking research. Face it, Al. I'm the whole package. I'm just busy, that's all."

"The whole package, huh? Ignoring your occasional arrogance, frequent havoc wreaking, and extensive anger issues, yeah, I'd have to agree!"

"Aw, lay off already. Are you with me or not?"

"Of course." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have any particular characterization in mind for Nina; the dialogue just kind of wrote itself. Plus, I think I might recall a couple sassy Nina moments?
> 
> Edward's attitude in his last spiel was somewhat based off Arakawa's "immoral manga" omake along with his initial monologue to Rose because it amuses me.
> 
> Updates will happen when they happen because I'm a college student with ADHD.


	2. Things that happen when you have to ask for permission to display post-it notes for some reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized partway through writing this chapter that I didn't really think through the setting properly so it's a discombobulated combination of an American college AU and the canon setting. Basically, it's a college AU reeking of America but technically still set in Amestris other than the fact that I'm totally ignoring the existence of any and all wars and all the characters are students and professors instead of soldiers and all that. And everybody's in the same place...yeah...
> 
> *dumps new chapter in front of you and scurries away*

"Okay, so all we've gotta do is slap our number up all over campus and boom! We're in business."

"Um, brother, I don't think that's how that works," Alphonse sighed. "The administration would take it down immediately since it's not an authorized posting. You need to go to the student activities board or whoever to get it approved. You may even need to get it accepted as an official 'club,' but who knows, honestly. Just email the SAB and go from there."

"Or I could just text Ling myself. Did you forget he's the president of the SAB or what?" Edward rolled his eyes. "Honestly, it's not like the idiot would ever _let_ us forget it. Your head must have hollowed out to make room for all that international politics crap or something."

"Alright, alright, you've made your point. I've just had a long day and I am _not_ a night owl unlike _some_ people. Just text him and get it over with already."

"I would if you'd be quiet for a minute and let me." 

* * *

**Me** : yo ive got a question

hey

are you gonna answer me or what

 **BumbLing Idiot** : If you would give me a moment to formulate a response, I would.

What is your question, O Groveling One?

 **Me** : get off your freaking high horse

its an SAB question genius

me and Al are starting a campus escort service to keep ppl safe at night and all that

i was gonna just slap our number up around campus but Al said i had to go ask you or something

or that we'd have to start a club? idk

 **BumbLing** **Idiot** : Ooh, an escort service, huh? Spicy~!

You don't need to start a club. Just let me stamp the ads before you put them up so that everyone knows they're approved.

 **Me** : dunno wtf is spicy about it but great.

just gonna stick my number and some quick info on a bunch of post it notes tbh. nothin fancy or anything

 **BumbLing** **Idiot** : One day, you'll learn, young padawan. I'll have my stamp handy tomorrow in case we bump into each other.

 **Me** : dont you dare quote star wars to me (horribly) with that pretentious tone of perfect punctuation. ill get the stupid post it notes ready tonight alright

 **BumbLing** **Idiot** : You're just jealous that I speak your native language better than you do. 😉 I'll be waiting for the ads~!

 **Me** : you also use that stupid wiggly symbol and that stupid winky face way too often for any normal human being. good freaking night

 **BumbLing** **Idiot** : Good night~! 😉

"I swear he does this on purpose specifically to annoy me."

* * *

"Ed, you did not."

"What did I do now, Al?" Edward griped.

" _Elric Escorts?_ Really?"

"Well yeah. It's catchy. We are Elrics. We are offering a service where we escort people. What's so bad about that?"

Alphonse sighed. "If you're twenty-one and still haven't figured that out yet, I as your _younger_ brother am not going to be the one to explain it."

"For pete's sake. Fine. Be that way. I'll just sit here with my phone and see if we get any texts from people who are interested tonight."

"You do that. But seriously, for your own good, don't shout that business name everywhere. And before you say anything, yes, you shout everything you say."

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"Anyway, you do your phone thing. I'm going to work on my Xingese homework."

"You've still gotta take language credits as a junior?"

"Look, there are always gen ed classes here and there that never fit into your schedule before. Plus, with international politics, language courses are always an asset, regardless of whether they're required for the major," Alphonse explained.

"I suppose so. Now if you're going to do your homework, go ahead and do it already." 

"Alright, alright, I'm going."

True to his word, Alphonse was soon chipping away at his homework at a steady pace. To keep himself occupied, Edward skimmed through articles on recent chemistry research to see if anything piqued his interest. About half an hour later, Edward received a notification.

**[Unknown Number]** : Hi are you the ones offering walks across campus?

 **Me** : yeah are you interested

 **[Unknown Number]** : Yeah. It'll probably just be a one time thing since my roommate usually comes by to pick me up after my night class but she's sick today. She also insists that I still get *somebody* to walk me back to our dorm even though I literally have a bag full of wrenches to whack anybody with smh. Anyway, I'm Winry.

Edward added the number to his contacts as "Winry," even though he probably wouldn't ever need it again. Plus, who knew how many one-time clients they'd get. He didn't need dozens of random numbers piling up in his text history and confusing the heck out of him.

**Me** : congrats Winry youre our first person. im Edward Elric btw (the older brother). when do you need to be picked up?

 **Winry** : Is now a good time? My class just ended. I'm sorry I really should have texted earlier to make sure it was a good time and you're probably in the middle of something actually you know what don't worry about it

 **Me** : no i can come rn stay where you are. ill be there as soon as i can. what building is your class in?

 **Winry** : I'm in Armstrong. Front entrance. 

**Me** : armstrong?? geez no wonder your roommate insisted somebody go with you. armstrongs about as far as you can get from the rest of campus

As soon as he sent the text, Edward started off toward the Armstrong Building. Shortly after he left, he felt another buzz in his pocket.

**Winry** : Ugh don't I know it. I have to lug all my wrenches there and back every week 😑

Wrenches? What kind of class did this girl take that needed wrenches? Come to think of it, she mentioned that earlier too… Oh well, it's not like he couldn't ask her in about sixty seconds anyway. Edward could see the entrance to the building not too far off. As he looked through the front door, three thoughts jumped to the forefront of his mind:

  1. Holy mother of Jesus, she's gorgeous.
  2. Being the kid of a former pastor really takes a toll on your use of expletives.
  3. How does a woman so small carry a bag so gigantic and heavy?



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Ling absolutely texts like that on purpose.


	3. Things that happen when an actual goddess thinks you're advertising a prostitution ring

Okay, he _needed_ to stop gaping at this girl, no matter how gorgeous she was. She was his first client, for pity's sake, and he really needed to not have her taking one look at his idiot self and calling campus safety. He flashed an awkward grin and waved as he approached the door. 

"Are you Winry? I'm Edward Elric, your ride for the night." A second later, his face reddened in realization. "Wait—no—I mean—not that way—but—well, y'know—"

Winry's snickers turned into a full-blown belly laugh. She wiped away a tear. "All right, all right, you've convinced me. You are definitely not the sort of person who would use a service like this to take advantage of me."

"Okay, on one hand, I'll take that as the highest compliment. On the other hand, I get the idea that you said that because I was acting like an idiot." 

"Perhaps, but I'll take an idiot over a sleaze any day." 

"Fair point. Want me to take that bag? Seems awfully heavy, and you just got out of a three hour class, I'm guessing."

"Edward, I have been carrying this bag all semester. I think I can handle it."

"Alright. Where's your dorm at?"

"Lambda."

"The more you tell me, the more I understand why your roommate wanted you to get an escort to your dorm. Could you _get_ any farther from Armstrong than Lambda?"

"Not really, no. But it's a class for my major, so I'm kind of stuck with it. Also, speaking of 'escort,' why the name 'Elric Escorts'? That really sends the wrong message, don't you think?"

Edward growled in frustration. "Again with the name? Seriously, what does everybody have against the name I chose? It's got our name in it, it's got the type of service in it. Heck, it even starts with the same letter. It's a fantastic name."

"Well, except for the fact that it makes it sound like you're advertising a service for male prostitutes out in the open."

Edward stopped with his mouth hung open. " _THAT'S_ what Alphonse was harping on about? _THAT'S_ what he refused to explain like a jerkface??"

An image of his brother with a cartoonishly evil grin popped into Edward's head.

"Sorry? I guess it's understandable that whoever this Alphonse person is didn't feel comfortable explaining it to you." Winry shifted her bag to her other shoulder. 

"Alphonse is my little brother. And maybe, but I'm pretty sure he got some sick kind of enjoyment out of it too." He glanced at Winry's bag. "Not that I don't think you can handle it, but are you sure I can't carry that bag of yours until we get to Lambda? I feel bad just walking around carrying nothing while you have to haul a gigantic bag of wrenches all the way back."

Winry sighed. "Fine, go ahead and take it, if you can. I wasn't about to mooch off of somebody who was already doing me a favor."

She hefted it over to Edward, who deftly caught it and slung it over his shoulder. Man, the biceps on this woman...that he was definitely not appreciating.

"Eh, don't worry about me. When you're on the wrestling team and have done mixed martial arts for years, you find time to do a bit of strength training."

"I'm still a little bit impressed, though," Winry said. "Not a lot of people I know can just lift that so easily. Paninya—my roommate—can, sure, but she's got to carry the same stuff I do, considering she's in mechanical engineering. Although I guess most of my friends are girls, and not all of them are the particularly athletic type."

"Well, uh, thanks, I guess," Edward said, secretly congratulating himself. "So I'm guessing you're in mechanical engineering too, if you and your roommate have the same tools? Although if you guys are the same major, why isn't she in your class?"

"Not quite," Winry replied to his first question. "She's a mechanical engineering major, and I'm in biomedical engineering. So we've got to take some of the same classes, but I've got to take a lot of biology courses too, especially anatomy courses. As for this class, Paninya took it the last time it was offered, in our sophomore year. But honestly, it's almost like having two majors."

"Huh, it's a wonder we haven't been in a lot of the same classes then, since I'm majoring in biochem and molecular biology. Maybe they're just slightly different enough to not cross over too much."

"That is weird. Maybe we were just in different sections or something, because I feel like I'd remember if you had been in one of my classes."

Edward flushed slightly. "Wait, what? Why?"

"Well I'd think a guy with a long blond ponytail would have stuck out to me at least a little bit."

"Oh. That. Well, I figure it's cheaper than cutting it all the time like Al does." 

"I suppose so. Although you still have to get your ends trimmed, you know."

"Yeahhh I just kind of chop off the ends with the scissors in my dorm every once in a while."

Winry stared at him. "...you know that's a horrible idea, right?" 

"Yeah. I try to cut it carefully...ish. And I've also been hoping people don't notice as much 'cause I'm a guy."

"I dunno, maybe?"

" _Anyway_ , enough about my stupid hair. What I'm wondering is why—what was it—biological engineering? That seems like an awfully specific field to go into if there's not any special goal in mind." 

"Biomedical engineering. My family runs a prosthetics business, and I want to be up to date on the latest technology and the latest techniques in designing and manufacturing them."

"...you're joking, right?"

Winry glared at him. _"What?"_

Edward waved his arms in defense. "No, no! It's a great goal. I just. I didn't think that—well, have a look for yourself."

Edward pulled up his left pant leg, revealing his metal leg underneath. Winry gasped, starry eyed.

"Okay, I know we're almost there, but could you sit on the bench over there so I can take a closer look? I just can't resist looking at new prosthetics! Wait, would that be creepy? It's definitely too creepy. Let's just keep—"

"Don't worry about it. It's fine." Edward cut her off, chuckling. Winry squealed and nearly skipped over to the bench where he had sat down and pulled up his pant leg again. How was that so cute? And—oh shoot, she was suddenly very close. Don't think about it, don't think about it, d—

"Ooh, this knee joint seems very well designed. I wish I could see how it looks on the inside. And the materials seem to be pretty sturdy, but not super heavy either. The plating design seems awfully familiar though...what company made your leg?" 

"It was actually some local hag. Name's Pinako Rockbell."

_"WHAT?"_

"Alright, alright, geez, I'm sorry I called her a hag. She's always on my case for every little thing, though." 

Winry's expression of utter shock remained unchanged.

"Is it that I go to an independent outfitter? I would have thought that you'd be more understanding, considering your family business and all."

Winry finally spoke up. "No, it's not that. Pinako Rockbell is my grandmother. Granny and I run the family business. So yeah. I'm Winry Rockbell. But now I'm _really_ surprised that we've never met before. My only guess is that you've always booked your appointments with her before."

"Wait. _YOU'RE_ her granddaughter? Gosh, she'd always talk my freakin' ear off about you. I don't know why we've never met, either, although you're right about the booking. I've always thought sticking with a known factor is the best way to go. Although I guess maybe I should rethink that, huh?"

Winry's eyes dropped back down to his leg. "I guess so."

"I mean, I don't know anything about your skill level, but you seem like a hard worker. And if that hag taught you, you're probably fantastic."

"Um, thanks. I mean, I work my hardest to be the best prosthetic outfitter I can be." She tugged his pant leg back down and stood up. "Anyway, I should get back to my dorm before Paninya worries."

"Right." Edward sprang up from the bench and hauled the bag back onto his shoulder. A minute later, they arrived at her dorm building. 

"Well, thanks for walking me over. And for giving me the news of the year," said Winry. "Well, other than graduating."

"Yeah. Blew my mind, too. Good night, then. I'll probably bump into you again somewhere around campus."

"Um, Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"My bag?"

"Oh right. Forgot it was there."

"Seriously, you're the only person who could just forget a bag that heavy was there."

"Part of my charm," Edward grinned. 

"Or lack of object permanence."

"Hey, whatever works. Good night!"

"Stay safe, alright? Text me when you get back."

"I'll be fine. Seeya."

"Bye."

* * *

**Me** : back in the dorm

 **Winry** : Good. Thank you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Building names are harddd so I named the dorms after Greek letters because my school did that for several of their dorm buildings.


	4. Things that happen when you try to defend strong female characters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After some more thinking about what I actually meant the setting to be, I realized that it's pretty much just a regular College AU, but the names of the countries are preserved from the FMA-verse.

"Congratulations. I'm changing the name," Edward announced unceremoniously.

"Okay, first of all, the door literally rattled when you barged in. Neither you nor I want to get fined for you damaging the room," Alphonse sighed. "And second of all, what tipped you off? Urban Dictionary?"

"Stop bringing that up already. It's a good way to not have awkward stuff in your search history. And no. It wasn't Urban freakin' Dictionary."

Alphonse mockingly gasped and covered his mouth. "Was it the _girl_?"

"...yes."

"That's a conversation I would have _loved_ to be there for."

"Aw, shut up. Get used to the fact that you weren't there, because I'm not reliving that again. And anyway, you didn't even bother to ask what my new name is."

"Yet, somehow, I get the feeling that you're going to tell me anyway."

"The Brother-Brother Buddy System!" Edward announced proudly. 

"No."

"Aw, come on! Why not?"

"So many brain cells. You have so many brain cells. I _know_ you can find a few working ones."

The two looked at each other briefly before collapsing in laughter at the ludicrousy of the situation. Then Edward returned to his wounded expression, if less irritated than before.

"Seriously, what's so bad about it? Surely this one isn't inappropriate?"

"No, it's just not a good name. Besides, I knew it would have to be changed if we were going to get anybody to go along with it, so I already thought of one. 'Safety in Numbers.' And of course, we can put our _numbers_ below the name on the advertisements."

"That's...actually pretty clever. But I'm still gonna call it Elric Escorts in my head. It's there for good now." 

"Thank you. You do need to put _both_ our numbers on the new ads, by the way. People need to be able to contact either of us if the other isn't available."

"Oh. Right."

* * *

After Edward's last class of the day, he whipped open the door to his room and dumped his backpack next to his desk.

"Brother, I told you not to destroy the dorm," Alphonse sighed. 

"I'm not gonna destroy it, geez."

"You say that now, but tell me that again when the RA fines us at the end of the year. Anyway, I've been waiting for you to get back. Have you put up the new ads yet?"

"You couldn't just text me? And no, I haven't, because I still need to make them and get them stamped by Ling all over again. What's your number again?"

"...just go to your contacts and look it up. Besides, even if I did tell you now, you'd forget it by the time you wrote it down. Also, I wasn't just going to text you while you were in class, and after class, you come straight here anyway, so I figured I'd just ask you when you got back."

Edward grunted in concession before his phone buzzed.

**[Unknown Number]:** Hello, I am Mei Chang, Ling's younger half-sister.

Said imbecile has informed me that you are operating a service to accompany people around school grounds, yes?

 **Me:** yea. but its not necessarily just on campus if you need it

 **UnderLing:** Excellent. I have a meeting with the anime club tonight, and I would find it a useful extra safety measure to have a companion on my return to my apartment. Unfortunately, my apartment is off-campus, but it appears that this may not have been as much of a concern as I had previously thought. What are your terms for off-campus services?

 **Me:** idk hadnt thought about it

whens the meeting end?

 **UnderLing:** 8:30 P.M.

Ed frowned. "Crap, that goes over wrestling practice," he muttered. "Hey Al! Got anything going on at 8:30?"

"No, why?"

"We've got a client, and I've got wrestling."

"Good thing I quit, then," Al said.

"Lucky me, I don't have to deal with Ling's sister, although heck, she and I might get along if she thinks Ling is, quote unquote, an 'imbecile.'"

"Ling has a sister? What does she have to do with this?"

"Well, half-sister. She's the one you're picking up at 8:30."

"Oh, okay. Where at?"

"I might have forgotten to ask about that." Edward scratched the back of his neck. "In my defense, making sure we could actually say yes first was higher on the priority list."

**Me:** yep we can do it. wheres the club meeting at?

 **UnderLing:** Hawkeye Memorial Building. 

**Me:** sweet. only thing is, ive got practice then so im gonna give you my brother Alphonse's number so he can pick you up

_contact sent_

**UnderLing:** Thank you. 

Ed shoved his phone in Al's face. "There you go. She should be texting you soon."

"Really, brother? UnderLing? That's hardly the most flattering contact name for someone you don't even know."

"It's still funny, though." Ed flopped back onto his bed.

"It's not even that accurate. And would it kill you to give me _her_ number? It might be a nice gesture for me to reach out to her first."

"Fine. But were you even looking at the conversation or just criticizing my taste in contact names? My _bomb_ taste, by the way."

"I'm not even going to try to convince you at this point." 

**Explosion💥:** Explosion💥 shared a contact with you! 

"What's the girl's name again?" Alphonse asked.

"Mei Chang."

"How is it spelled?"

"See for yourself." Edward chucked his phone over to where Alphonse sat on his bed.

"You really need to be more careful with your phone."

"Are you gonna look or not?"

Alphonse sighed, but continued what he was doing.

**Me:** Hi, this is Alphonse Elric. My brother Edward gave me your number. Should I meet you at the front entrance of Hawkeye Memorial or at a specific room number or somewhere else?

 **Mei Chang:** As a matter of fact, the anime club is always looking for new members, so if you happen to come a few minutes early to room 214, you might get a taste of what it's like. We are few, but mighty!

 **Me:** I will definitely consider that. I do like anime, especially Snow White with the Red Hair and Inuyasha. I also have a soft spot for Violet Evergarden since she's an amputee like Edward.

 **Mei Chang:** Ah, Snow White with the Red Hair. A man of culture, I see. And anybody that doesn't at bare minimum *like* Violet Evergarden doesn't have a heart. 😭💔

 **Me:** This is the truth.

 **Mei Chang:** By the way, I apologise for the delay in my initial communication. My intention was to contact you shortly after I received your contact information.

 **Me:** Please don't apologize! I was actually trying to get your contact information from my darn brother as soon as I could so that I could reach out to you first!

 **Mei Chang:** 😊 I appreciate the gesture. I look forward to seeing you this evening!

 **Me:** See you later!

Edward squinted at Alphonse. "Why are you smiling?"

"She likes Snow White with the Red Hair and Violet Evergarden."

"Oh hey, another weirdo exists."

"Don't you dare diss Shirayuki, Edward. It's rarer than you think to find a female protagonist that is okay with having both strong agency and emotional attachments."

"I swear, if you end up crushing on Ling's sister…" Edward shook his head. "I pity you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Edward. Just because we like a couple of the same shows and just because she's my first client does _not_ mean I'm going to go out with her. I've never even met her."

"You're about to, though."

"Did you forget that I still have your phone in my possession?"

"Crap."

"You're going to have to take it from me, at this point. Consider it a warm up for practice tonight. Or, you know, I could just send myself your cringiest selfies to use for blackmail. Fyi, angling them from below doesn't make you look taller. It just makes you look like a Facebook mom."

Edward flung himself onto Alphonse's bed and tried and failed to pin him down. Al hooked his leg around Ed's and flipped him over so that he was the one on top. Ed saw his chance and snatched his phone back before Al could pin his arms. 

"You might have gotten the phone, Ed, but you forgot that you've still got to get out." Al smirked. Ed huffed and shifted himself so that, though pinned, he was now sitting up. He tried to lightly knee Al in the stomach with the leg that wouldn't hospitalize him, but as soon as Ed's leg so much as twitched, Al held it down with his own knee. 

Well, time for more crude measures. 

Ed unceremoniously slammed his head against Al's and achieved victory. 

"Agh! Geez, Ed, why did you go for the headbutt?"

"I did what had to be done. I won, didn't I?"

"Yeah, you won, but now I'm going to have to explain to this girl why, when I'm arriving to accompany her to her apartment as a _protective measure_ , I have a giant goose egg on my forehead and look like I got into a bar fight or something. Not exactly a comforting first impression."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. Do we even have any ice in this darn fridge?"

"I dunno, maybe. Why?"

"The least I can do is keep the swelling down so that it looks less like a bar fight and more like somebody greeted me with a steel pipe to the head on accident."

"You know, usually your metaphors are much higher quality."

"Oh, screw you. Help me find some ice."

Edward gasped. "I didn't think you were capable of using such a word." 

"And I'll say it again: screw you. If there's no ice in here, go see if there's some in the lobby fridge."

"Freezer."

"Begone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) So much of this fic is a self/life-insert, you don't even know and I'm not going to tell you. Well, not all of it anyway...yeah okay, Ed's Urban Dictionary habit is my habit because I am not and have never been hip.  
> 2) The Hawkeye Memorial Building was a donation bequeathed to the school in Berthold Hawkeye's will.  
> 3) In retrospect, the quibbling about the spelling was a joke about the mass confusion about the spelling of Mei's name.  
> 4) I have some general plot points in mind, but I'm making this crap up as I go. I don't know what I'm doing. It just materializes somehow.


	5. Things that happen when your brother's ex-roommate's half-sister is actually Very cute and two inches away from your face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to be a long haul fic. I get the feeling this is going to be a long haul fic.
> 
> Alternate chapter title: Things that happen when the author inserts a Paul Simon reference for the heck of it but also for character building  
> https://youtu.be/uq-gYOrU8bA
> 
> Anyway, prepare yourselves for beginning AlMei fluff so fluffy it rivals McDonald's sweet tea in near-sickening sweetness.

Cursing the bluish-purple lump on his forehead, Alphonse made his way to the Hawkeye Memorial Building. The bruise was small, and there was at least a secondhand personal connection with this girl, but he would still be lucky if she didn't go running for the hills the moment she saw his forehead. 

He should have worn a hat that covered it. 

He should have told her he'd meet her outside so the dark would conceal his head.

He—was already at Hawkeye Memorial. It was too late. He would just have to man up and face his fears. He scanned his student ID at the door, pulled it open, and headed to room...what was it? 214. He stopped just outside the door and took a deep breath. Maybe she wouldn't notice the bruise. Maybe by some miracle, she'd feel safe enough to actually let him walk her to her apartment. He opened the door.

Everyone in the room turned to stare at Alphonse. Normally, social interactions didn't intimidate him too much, but considering the bruise and the fact that he was interrupting the end of a club meeting, his face turned understandably red.

"Uhh...hi! I'm Alphonse, don't mind me, I'll just be in the corner here while you guys finish u—"

"Ah! Alphonse! Everyone, this is the person I mentioned earlier who might potentially come to visit us," a petite girl with elaborate braids announced.

"Never would have guessed," another girl laughed.

Alphonse addressed the first speaker. "So are you Mei th—"

"Apologies for not introducing myself, I'm—" 

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt." Alphonse said, wide-eyed.

"No, I'm the one who interrupted! I'm Mei, by the way," Mei quickly responded.

"But I'm the one who interrupted your meeting! Please, don't mind me. Just continue like I'm not here." 

"Of course not! You are our guest, and we will treat you as such. We were discussing some cosplays we were working on for upcoming cons or whatever we wanted to wear them for," Mei explained. 

"I'm planning a Mei Hatsume cosplay from My Hero Academia," the sarcastic girl from earlier said.

"Wow! Wouldn't that be a little complicated, though?" Alphonse said.

Mei scoffed and smiled. "Yes, well, Emmy always goes all out with hers."

"Excuse you, my cosplays are an art form," Emmy sniffed. "I've already got the wig and colored contacts. I just need to get the rest of it together."

"But how are you going to make all the gear? Maybe I'm remembering wrong, but doesn't Mei—" Alphonse paused and glanced at his host next to him, "—er, Mei _Hatsume_ , have a lot of parts to her outfit? How do you even make those?"

"Well, the goggles I can probably just buy online, but otherwise? Foam. Lots and _lots_ of foam and a knife." Emmy explained.

"Ah, I should have guessed that. I haven't cosplayed in a while, but I've considered Adrien Agreste or Momiji Sohma since they'd be easy?"

Mei's eyes lit up. "Ooh! You'd be such a good Tamaki, though!"

Alphonse gasped, "I love Ouran High School Host Club! But if I did Tamaki, I'd have to flat-out buy the uniform online and then I'd never use it again. I'm a broke college student and can't afford to just buy stuff I can't use for regular clothing. So that's why I'm deciding between the ones that I am."

"Amen to that," a guy said from the other side of the room.

"Hmm...perhaps Adrien would be the better option for you, since you're tall. Momiji would be a great option, but when he grows taller later in the manga, his fashion sense changes enough that a cosplay of that version of him may not be so recognizable," Mei considered.

"Now are you considering Adrien or Chat Noir? Because," Emmy looked Alphonse up and down, "you could make it work as Chat."

Mei gave Emmy a warning look, but Alphonse replied, "Huh, I hadn't thought that far. Which one do you guys think would be easier to find things for?"

"Well, Adrien would be pretty easy to find an outfit for, as long as you painted stripes on the shirt, but Chat Noir would be pretty easy too, if you can find a way to attach a belt to the back of the pants. It also depends on how far you want to go with the accessories," another club member offered.

"Well! Now that everybody has some tracks to run on with their cosplays, I think we can wrap the meeting up for tonight so that anybody who needs to go do other things can go," Mei interjected.

The club members gathered their things and echoed their goodbyes until Alphonse and Mei were left alone in the club room. 

Mei tilted her head. "So, I didn't want to ask in front of everyone else, but is that bruise on your head doing alright?" 

Alphonse raised his eyebrows in surprise. "That's hardly the first question I thought would come up, but...yeah? I put some ice on it earlier to reduce the swelling."

"Good answer," she nodded. "I'm in pre-med. It's practically a requirement to ask about these things, although I know it's extremely minor."

"Pre-med, huh? So what goal are you working towards?" 

"Well, we've got a long walk back, so I'll spare you the details for now, but I'm going to be a surgeon. I haven't decided if I want to specialize in any particular kind of surgery yet, though."

"That's really cool!" Al's eyes shone, then he gave a small smile. "I don't really know you all that well yet, but I think I'd trust you to do surgery on me."

Mei's eyes darted away, and Al could have sworn he heard her mutter, "I wouldn't," but he ignored it, because that wouldn't make any sense.

"Well, _anyway,_ " Mei said at a normal volume, "what I meant to say was that I have some makeup that I brought so that people could test some ideas for their cosplays, and I could help you cover up the bruise, if you want."

"Are you sure? You don't have to. I mean, you did say we had a long walk back," Al stammered and scratched the back of his neck.

"Don't be silly, it'll only take a few minutes." Mei skipped over to retrieve the makeup box, giving Al a moment to think. If Alphonse had had such a luxury when he first walked in the clubroom, his first thought would have been "Oh shoot, she's adorable. And beautiful. And—what's the most respectful word, what's the most respectful word?—alluring. And all of the other words that mean I might not be able to stand by what I said to brother." 

But instead, he was having them now.

When he was in a room alone with her. He sighed and shook away his thoughts as the woman in question returned with the makeup box. Mei gestured for him to sit down as she compared various products from her makeup arsenal with his skin tone.

"Now hopefully, I can blend it well enough that it won't look like a spot job, because putting a full face of foundation on you would look rather obvious."

"I don't know what the half of that means, but I'm going to trust that you know what you're doing."

Mei giggled and took out a small bottle.

Shoot.

His face didn't show it, but he was done for. She was unbelievably cute, and she was soon going to be very close and staring at his face and maybe even touching his face. Was it medically possible to suddenly pass out on command? That would be preferable. It would be better than making a complete and utter fool of himself. Surely the room was normally this hot, right?

Mei compared the side of the bottle with his face, and it must have met her approval because she unscrewed it and used the tip of her finger to gently dab a bit of it on the lump on his forehead. Al couldn't help the slightest wince and the tiniest blush but otherwise trained his face to stay neutral.

"You don't have to close your eyes, you know. It's not like I'm putting eyeliner on you or anything."

Alphonse opened his eyes, but immediately had to look away because her face was right in front of his and he couldn't keep looking at her glittering eyes that were laser-focused on his face or her full lips that were pursed in concentration. When she leaned away for a moment to inspect her work, he breathed a small sigh of relief. Wait, had she been kneeling on the chair this whole time just to gain a few more inches? 

He was never going to survive this "long walk" to her apartment.

Mei appraised her work and decided it was good enough to proceed, pulling out an egg-shaped sponge and another, slightly larger, bottle. Just like before, she compared it with his face, but this time, she frowned, pulled out a seemingly identical bottle to compare it with, and chose the second bottle. After putting the first bottle back in the box, she got up. 

"I'll be just a moment. I've got to go to the bathroom sink to get the sponge wet first," Mei explained.

"Okay."

As soon as she was gone, Al flopped on the table. Or at least, he was about to, and then realized that he couldn't mess up Mei's makeup job, so he flopped to the side of his head instead. How was he going to explain this to Edward? Because of course he was going to ask. Al could just picture it now.

"So Al, how annoying was Ling's sister hurr hurr?"

"She wasn't, brother. It was like she descended out of a dream. She even aided in concealing my wounds."

Yeah right. He'd have to figure it out later, though. True to her word, Mei had already returned. 

"I'm back!" she sang.

"And I'm ready for more of your makeup expertise," Al returned.

Mei grinned, a light pink dusting her face. She put a little of the liquid from the small bottle she had carefully selected onto the back of her hand, then used the egg-shaped sponge to dab some of it lightly onto and around his bruise. Since she was dealing with a slightly larger area of skin than before, she had to lift Al's hair off the small amount of forehead it covered. This time, Al couldn't help but blush, but he hoped she was too focused on her job to realize it and trained his eyes on the edge of the table. 

"And...there you go!" Mei gave his forehead a couple extra bops with the sponge before flicking his hair back toward his forehead and booping his nose with the sponge. "Pull out your selfie camera and tell me what you think!"

Alphonse complied, and his jaw dropped. "You can barely even tell it was ever there! Sure, you can see the lump itself if you look for it, but if you didn't know, you wouldn't. What magic did you use, Mei?"

She giggled. "Drugstore makeup and many years of cosplaying." 

"Well thank you, drug stores and cosplay." Al looked her directly in the eyes. "And you, Mei. Thanks for making me no longer look like I got into a bar fight."

"No problem," she laughed. "Although, how did you get that bruise, Alphonse?" 

"Well...not to concern you, but could we save this story for the road? It's nothing bad, I promise. It just takes a couple minutes to tell," he said apologetically with a crooked smile. 

"Of course. Although I will admit, if you were a complete stranger, I would be a lot more suspicious, but since your brother used to be Ling's roommate, I suppose the worst you could possibly be is an insufferable prankster."

"That would be a semi-accurate description of brother, at least. I'm much more of a gentleman than that. And taller." Did he hear her gasp, or was that the air vent? It was probably just the air vent, but it would be more than a little ego-boosting if the former _was_ the case. Al decided to push further. "Oh, and about what you said a second ago. You can call me Al, you know. It's a lot easier to spell." He flashed a grin.

"Oh. Well. I think Alphonse sounds much more distinguished. Maybe even dapper. Like a gentleman," she smiled a bit too widely.

"Call me whatever you want, as long as you don't call me late for dinner," Alphonse quipped. "Shall we get going?"

"Ah, yes. Right. We should, shouldn't we?" Mei said as she gathered up her makeup supplies into her backpack.

"Do you need to lock up?" Alphonse asked.

"No, Campus Safety will just lock up the building later when they come through."

"Alright, then. Do you want me to carry your backpack, since you said it's such a long walk?"

Mei looked down and smiled before handing over her backpack. "Yes, please."

"Wait, is that a Sailor Moon backpack?"

"Yes."

"Awesome!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I aware Miraculous Ladybug is not an anime?   
> Yes.  
> Do I have time or patience to write in gatekeepers?  
> Heccin no. Cosplay is cosplay.
> 
> No, the double Mei was not intentional.
> 
> Yes, my horrid brain had Weird Al's "Like a Surgeon" playing in the mind jukebox when she mentioned her vocational goals.
> 
> The Elric brothers may differ in personality, but their chivalrous hearts are the same. I'll fight you on this. I will. Don't think I won't.


End file.
